I’m still here, honest. I didn’t call my doctor back because I realized how inconsistently I had been taking my meds and am sure that’s the main problem. Also I went away to help run a March Break Camp so I was gone all last week. I am having some depression troubles still/again, I had to literally drag myself into the shower yesterday and getting dressed and eating is hard. I do eat because I can’t stand not being hungry but it’s easy to make things that I eat.

March Break camp went well. It was busy; during the day just one other person and I were in charge of 23 girls between the ages of 5 and 9. Luckily only 11 of them stayed overnight. I did journal while I was there though so here are some exerpts from my writings: (Note: Some names and places have been edited out)

Sunday, March 14

I’m at March Break Camp at *********. I am working with the Brownies and Daycampers. We have 12 brownies and 11 day campers. They don’t start until tomorrow though. We got here at 11am today. I’m having a pretty good time. I’m a little nervous around ******* and *****. I was leading a campfire for the Brownies and was doing fine until they came in. They didn’t do anything byt join us but it made me nervous. My nickname is porkshop, chosen by me. [theme was Jillian Jiggs and her wonderful world of Pigs] I’m also always afraid to ask questions too. I know that I come across wrong or rude way too often and I’m always scared aboutg what I’m saying, and how’s it coming out. I was nervous doing a short play for the girls too. All I had was one short line but I was fretting about it. I may be imagining things but I’m pretty sure that ****** keeps looking at me/watching me. That summer must have been scary for her too [I ODed] But at the time I didn’t much care. I just wanted to die. I really wish she hadn’t taken me to the hospital. I wanted to just be left alone. I knew I was okay physically and that I wouldn’t die.

Monday, March 15

Today the day campers came. 11 cute little girls ranging in age from 5 to 9. I find it hard to believe that a 9 year old wouldn’t want to sleepover but then again, I got to be with my mom at age 9. I actually slept well last night, I was suprised. I usually have trouble sleeping at camp.

Tuesday March 16

Today was pretty good. We started off okay except it snowed. We had about 6 inches or rather we do have 6 iinches. We went out and played in the snow though, it was fun. Because of the blizzard, many parents of day campers came to pick up their daughter(s) early. Some ended up staying over. They slept on mattresses, put on extra clothes and squeezed in with the Brownies. For many it was their first time sleeping over so they were scared. However they weren’t the only bedtime troubles. ****** and ****** were ill tonight, two were homesick not including the daycampers also they again didn’t use their listening ears. However, the day was also positive.

Thursday March 18

Today was busy. We did the play today. The Chicken Princess by Phoebe Gillman from the Jillian Jiggs books. We have been practicing all week. It went well. I am worried about *********. I didn’t realize how sick she is. I have been teary (but not crying) a few times today. SHe has me really worried. We talked last night about what her Aneurism is/means and about her symptoms and when she found out what she had and more about her one that burst. They (especially *****) thought she was going to die. I guess it’s because I haven’t really camped with just her and been so observant and payed attention to her. Here I slept by her, saw her morning, evening and all meals and didn’t have my mom here to distract me.